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Old 04-12-2016, 04:12 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ontario
Posts: 597
Looking for barn help

Immediate opening for barn help. Hereís the deal.

I have no problem working seven days a week, rain, shine or holidays, but on the off-chance I fall off a horse and break my face, or my foot gets stepped on, or I come down with SARS, I need someone who can work unsupervised and not kill all the horses and burn the barn down on the first day. Weíre a modest, mixed discipline operation with somewhere in the neighborhood of 16-21 mostly lesson and sale horses, with some boarders. You may be wondering if I even know how many horses I own at the moment, and the answer is of course, no. No I donít. Once you get over nine it hardly matters anymore, so I save my mental energy for the things that do matter. Like remembering to eat breakfast and wear clean socks.

If you have show grooming experience, thatís a huge plus. If you can ride, thatís great too. If you canít, no big deal. We have a pro here and thatís more than enough diva to go around. If your idea of barn work is showing up to kiss a horse, Show Sheen a tail, and ride all day long, then please donít bother responding. I mean it. Iíve been through more than four hires in the last six months who are great at texting on the job, feeding out treats, and not much else, and frankly, I canít spend another minute of my time explaining how to lead a horse and muck a stall and not get your head kicked in for being a chump.

I need a second in command to feed the horses on time, turn them out, and clean 10+ stalls before 11 a.m., and also to deal with the professional, because I do and she basically comes with the barn. Seriously. Iíve tried to get rid of her, and each time she turns up the next day like nothing ever happened to throw her shade, leave her stuff all over the aisle, and give me the stink eye. Sheís like a bad penny, but sheís part of the package, so plan to deal with her for as long as I have to.

Speaking of pennies, the money is sh*t. Itís $9 an hour, and the chance to hack a horse or two when your work is done if you want to. Donít ask for more money because there is none. Most weeks, youíll already be making more than me because I donít take a salary and Iím working for free until I either win the lottery or make good on a couple of these freeloading sale nags who literally do nothing but hang around and kick at the lesson kids and eat me out of my retirement. Seriously. My retirement is a barn full of hay, and every day I sit here and I watch it slowly disappear into their young, eager mouths, bale by glorious bale.

I do things the way I do them here because after 40+ years of trial and error, Iím still alive, most of the horses are, and the place is still standing. Iím probably going to keep doing it my way. I will listen to all your New Age, $100K-for-an-equine-science-degree ideas about footing, hay field management, and fancy overpriced tack, but if I donít like them, weíre not doing them, and thatís it.

If Iíve got leftovers, you can come up for lunch at the house after weíre done, and I may even spring for some Coronas after work, but Iím serious about the pay. Itís five days a week, eight or nine hours a day if you want the afternoon shift too, and itís $9 an hour. Thatís all there is. If teaching lessons is your thing, we may be able to work that in too, and down the road there might be an opportunity to make a little extra pony camp money on the side. But not right now. Donít make me like you at the interview and then whine to me about bankrolling your horseís OCD surgery or your outrageous student loans for the zillion dollar degree you could have done better and for free if you started here four years ago. I donít want to hear it. If you work hard, youíre good with the animals, and youíre not a total twit, weíll probably be best friends and youíll have more nice horses to ride than you know what to do with and plenty of free schooling and cold Corona (with limes, because Iím not a total degenerate).

Do you have a car? Youíll need a car. You should probably know how to drive a truck and trailer too, but I can help you with that if it works out. If your car is routinely on the fritz then PLEASE donít bother applying for this job. I have enough fussy horses and one tractor that currently requires a screwdriver to start and no time or money to deal with either or anything else that takes expensive parts or supplements. Donít call me at 6:55 a.m. and tell me you canít make it or youíll be late because your car broke down, because I can promise you at that very moment, my horses will be breaking down the barn because theyíre hungry, and Iíll be pissed.

I donít care if youíre a social butterfly or you barely speak. I donít care if youíve got big holes in your ears or you only shave in March or you donít like people at all. Most days, I donít either. All I care about is that you show up on time, when you say you will, and you donít take 40 minutes to muck out one stall. And you have to know what youíre doing with the horses, or they will smell it and chew you up and spit you out like two-week-old meatloaf.

Besides the professional, weíre all pretty nice here. The lesson kids are great. The parents are fine. Iím tolerable on most days. I promise Iíll be fair, Iíll give you holidays off, and Iíll have your meager pay check to you on time. And youíll learn a lot while youíre here. Trust me, I know how awful this industry can be, and how most people will say theyíre into helping you, and then work you to the bone and take you for all youíre worth. (Even if you want nothing to do with this job, I just saved you from a lifetime of naivety and regret, so youíre welcome.) But Iím not one of those people. Itís a hard job, and I know that better than any one because I do it every day. Four months out of the year, itís really great to be up early, outside in the sun, working with horses. The rest of the time you can drink like I do.

Just kidding. If this sounds like itís up your alley, shoot me your resume and some semblance of a cover letter, if you can. Literacy isnít a requirement for this job, but Iíd prefer it because, well, reading. Donít say things like ďstar multitaskerĒ, ďteam playerĒ, or ďresults orientedĒ in your cover letter. Youíre taking care of horses, not dealing in municipal bonds, and I would rather be hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels than to ever have to read those words on paper again.

If you think Iím a real ____bag, youíre probably right, but I wonít take it personally. You havenít met the professional yet. After her, Iím a peach.
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Old 04-13-2016, 05:27 AM   #2
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Location: albany new york
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That about sums up the horse/barn owner operator and the requirements for hired help..
bravo to the author.
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Old 04-14-2016, 07:56 AM   #3
Halter broke
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 133
OMG that was so good! Can't stop laughing but I so hear you......good luck in your search. Will be interesting to see who applies! Please keep us posted.
And most of all, thanks for giving those lesson kids a place to ride and get their feet wet with horses. That must be satisfying for all of your hard work!

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Old 04-14-2016, 06:10 PM   #4
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Location: Ontario
Posts: 597
Originally Posted by chris6351 View Post
OMG that was so good! Can't stop laughing but I so hear you......good luck in your search. Will be interesting to see who applies! Please keep us posted.
And most of all, thanks for giving those lesson kids a place to ride and get their feet wet with horses. That must be satisfying for all of your hard work!
This was not my article, the author is listed at the top.
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Old 04-22-2016, 10:15 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Hamitlon, Ontario
Posts: 3,493
LOL. That is good. Honest, and good.
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