Welcome from Northeast Missouri! As for the fear...don't be so hard on yourself please

I also deal with fears and it can totally mess you up from spending any time with your horse...I made a decision not to live that way! So you try to relax, one day at a time, one step at a time. AND instead of telling yourself 'what could happen' in a negative way tell yourself the opposite! If we look for negative we can sure get it in big doses; same goes for positve things. I told myself a while back that I'd been riding all my life and knew what to do in practically any situation that 'could' arise and went ahead and had a great ride...and I even fell off when a turkey spooked us and was OK and roaring to get right back on! BE SAFE but don't let your fear ruin your horse loving life.
GOD BLESS